Pst! Pst! I have to whisper, because everyone is still asleep. It’s Christmas morning! You know what that means; boys and girls everywhere are celebrating consumerism and the commercialization of a conglomerate pagan holiday! Now, in the spirit of Christmas, let me tell you a secret:
It might be hard to believe, but it’s true! Since I was a wee little lad, I stayed up late waiting for Kris Kringle to make his stop at my house, sliding down my chimney, warming his buns on the fire, and delivering athletic equipment and remote control cars. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.
As a child, I could never stay up late enough; I’d always fall asleep, and my Mom and Dad would hustle me up to bed. Now that I’m older, I stay up later, and I’ve finally been able to see Santa, in the flesh! Truth is, it happened for the first time last year, but it wasn’t very impressive. That initial interaction could be summarized as:
I was a little upset. “Santa, we didn’t leave cookies out for you to eat! We left cookies out to see what type of lifestyle choices you’d make!” He tried to lie about his copious cookie consumption, but it was no use; he sat on a throne of lies. He was visibly upset, and so we began talking about what he could do differently.
A year later, and again I meet Santa beneath the Christmas tree. When I saw him, it was evident that he’s been doing things a little bit differently:
Santa looked awesome! It was apparent that he had made some changes, and perhaps spent more time working with the elves than telling them what to do. It was a great transformation. Father Christmas and I sat down and began chatting, and I politely asked him, “Santa, how long will it take for my beard to be as long as yours?” He rolled his eyes at that, so I then asked, “Santa, how have you been training?”
There was a twinkle in his eye, and he began to explain:
Ho, Ho, Ho, Harold! It’s been quite the year! When I returned to the North Pole, I built myself a training center, so I could prepare for next year. I’m aging, and present delivery can be quite exhausting. Alas, I’ve been training all year!
Several times a week, I make sure to pick up heavy things, in case one of those wonderful children asks for an item that weighs a bit more. Some days, I’ll practice my Chimney shimmying and climbing, and I usually make sure to push my sleigh, sans reindeer, so that I can do it if one of them happen to get hurt. Finally, since my satchel of packages can become unruly, I make sure to practice carrying objects. It makes for a wonderful time!
And just like that, The Jolly One shared his training secrets with me. I know, it’s amazing.
I wouldn’t mind being Santa one day, or at least filling in as a stunt double if I have curious children like I was. Based on our conversation this morning, Santa and I have created a list of Santa-approved exercises that are sure to get you in shape for slinging presents to others, and delivering the gift of strength to yourself.
Santa told me that picking up presents was the start of moving them, so he recommended practicing several ways of removing them from the floor. Perhaps they’re quite wide, so practice holding those, and maybe overzealous elves used too much ribbon. Better to prepare for both:
Once you’re actually holding the present, you have to move around with it, right? Here’s my friend Juliet demonstrating what Santa suggested:
Perhaps you combine it with moving Santa’s sleigh! After all, if the Reindeer are too tired to fly, Santa has to take the presents out so that they can rest inside:
Slinging a satchel of presents over your shoulder is tricky, and it’s not comfortable to hold in your hands for your entire trip. Here’s a TRX Row variation that Santa used to prepare for his deliveries:
Finally, what happens once Santa is done delivering the presents? How does he get back up the Chimney! He told me that he drops a rope down behind him, and then he climbs his way back out! For example:
Wow, Santa trains pretty damn hard! As we talked, I noticed how proud he was of his hard work, and that he seemed strikingly confident in his training. It seemed like he could do anything! We had sugar free Candy Canes, and I said, “Four for you, Santa Claus! Good for you, Santa Claus!”
As he departed, he turned with a twinkle in his eye, and said, “Now, I expect some cookies next year!” Santa had a great year, and I’ll make him some awesome protein cookies for next year. Until then, let us all take a page from Santa’s training log, and practice strength to make our daily lives feel easier, and make our minds feel better.